Tuesday, 18 January 2011

Off to the nut house?...

Dear Aunty Agony,

Having been an avid reader of your advice for some years now, I know you are the only person I can turn to with the crisis I am currently facing. As a happy, relaxed and confident 32 year old woman, I have never had cause to question my sanity; believing, mendaciously,  to know my own mind. Thus, when I eagerly began the Janathon challenge, just 18 days ago, and consequently began to be stalked by squirrels – subjected to the terrible torment of their evil eyes – naturally, I took this threat at face-value; I knew it to be real: I feared for my safety.  Moreover, in many ways feeling responsible for the antagonism of these animals (having inadvertently incepted the idea into the squirrel community that I posed a threat to them), I have taken it upon myself to warn other runners of this rodent risk.

Lately, the comments of friends and family have lead me to conclude that they must doubt the reality of this threat; comments (which were intermittent at first, yet now more frequent) about this intimidation have included language such as: ‘perceived’, ‘paranoid’ and ‘preposterous’. Clearly, and sadly, those whom are close to me believe that this menace is a mental one; only within my own mind.

It is this that concerns me Aunty Agony. It was whilst I was on my mile recovery run today, once again feeling the presense of their beady eyes, that I began, for the first time, to doubt myself.  These are the people I hold dear, the ones with whom I hold my closest connections; their perturbance at my supposed paranoia is only due to the predilection they hold of me. It is for this reason, that I am slowly beginning to question myself: Am I paranoid? Deranged? Insane? Is this threat a fancy of my imagination? Is the torment of the squirrels simply a pseudo simulation?

Aunty A, in short. Am I nuts?

Yours disquietedly,

maggie e

Dear Maggie,

Are you mad? This is insanity!

Of course you are worried by the comments of those closest to you; the thought that you are losing your mind is quite frankly fearful.

This is ridiculous! Of course you are not going mad: the squirrels are a real and present threat to our society.

A little known entity for a long time now, they have been building their army slowly and gradually. As I am sure you are more than aware, you only have to google on the internet to discover the very real and dangerous dynamite they are.

Maggie, you are taking exactly the right course of action and you must continue to do so: warn everyone you can about this squirrel impendence. Don’t give up. Tell anyone who’ll listen. Spread the word.  For the time being, there are only a few of us who know the horrendous hazard humans face, however if we continue to work together to propagate this peril we will be victorious.

The squirrels cannot win Maggie. We must fight them on the beaches, we must fight them in the parks and we must fight them ‘till we win. Nuts to the squirrels!

Yours victoriously,

Aunty Agony.

Distance: 1.1 miles
Weather: clear and chilly
Feeling: okay.
See my run here.


  1. Dear Maggie,

    I do think you need some help. You may be suffering from a form paranormal pyscosis. Squirrels are not a threat to mankind. They are cute lttle fury friends who love nuts and will gaze at you with their big brown eyes.
    To get help contact www.sqrrlbrnwshng.com to view free self hypnosis sessions
    Dr S.Quirrel

  2. That's the most articulate blog entry by a crazy woman I've ever seen :)

  3. Dear S. Quirrel,

    Please stop posing as Fairweatherrunner... I know it is you and I will not be falling for your inadequate brainwashing tactics.

    Thank you kindly,


  4. Richard... it's been proven... I'm totally sane... *tick, tick, blurp*! :-)

  5. Yes you're nuts... and we all know how much squirrels like nuts! Be careful out there. :D

  6. ha ha... I will be... don't want to end up being nibbled like the cartoon me yesterday!! :-)

  7. You do know you are allowed to kill the grey ones don't you? I would advise carrying a small pocket catapult and dried peas as one is not allowed to carry a gun, even a little one!

    Smashing bloggage again by the way, I don't even bother to see if you've run now, I just want to read about the rodent take over.

  8. I think you may be nuts Maggiee, or deranged or insane ... You're doing the janathon aren't you ... well isn't that enough to prove your nuts?!?

    Says she ... who innocently looks away! ;)

    p.s.: you're certainly not paranoid ... those squirrels ... they are a threat!!

  9. I am a believer. Shall we start a new cult?

  10. I have some very nice campfire recipes for squirrel that I'd be happy to share with you.

    and about Room, i was worried it would be too disturbing. do you still recommend it? The reviews made the story seem terribly sad.

  11. 'Room', surely it can't be worse than 'The Road'. I read 'The Road', I couldn't persuade myself to see the film. I read it all because I kept thinking it can't be this depressing all the way through the book ... ! Then they made a film of it!
    I'm worried Maggiee ... you've heard of werewolves well ... have you considered that maybe ... Look, these squirrels are very real to you. Have you found nuts in your bed? Noticed your front teeth wearing down? Felt a little skittish?
    It might not be paranormal, it could just be Janathon - just consider the possibility.

  12. fortunately one of my colleagues read The Road before I did.

  13. Room is wonderful and, given the subject matter, not half as depressing as you might think.

    I have refused to read or watch The Road, though.

    Squirrels come into our garden and try to eat the bird food. They appear to have superhuman (supersquirrel) powers to defeat so-called squirrel-proof feeding devices.

  14. I think you may be suffering from Janathon Madness it is a similar condition to that of Monsoon Madness! The only cure is February. Is it just Grey Squirells you see ? I uunderstand these are beginning to take a pasting from the black squirell though haven't seen one myself yet

  15. Room: I'll respond on here as there's a few of us discussing it now... totally worth a read. It was a Christmas present so I picked it up not knowing anything about it. I agree with Sheri; absolutely wonderful, which if you know what the subject matter is, seems impossible but the story is told beautifully. I'm onto the final 20 pages now, but I can't imagine I'll change my mind. I found it hard to get into, but mainly because of the 'voice' as it's told from the perspective of a 5 year old, however now, it's that perspective of the narrator that enables the story to be told as it is. There's very dark undertones, but not at all anywhere near The Road; that's one I've stated and am (probably) still intending to finish, which doesn't happen too often with me and books!

    Squirrels: Buryblue, you've probably got a point... I grew up in Letchworth GC so know of the ongoing war between the black and the grey squirrels quite well. Up here in Manchester though, it's just the grey variety provoking my nightmares; strangely, I've not visited Letchworth since I began Janathon... I daren't!

    Jenks... I have to admit, I am becoming more and more concerned about the impending full moon...

    As for the cult... I've had some more thoughts on that...


Thanks for reading... feel free to leave me a message. Maggiee x